I started this as a letter to a friend. I knew it would be long and I might want to edit things and so I decided to type it in Word verses writing it out long hand. I got to the point I wasn't sure if I was going to mail it to them or not. But I also got to the point where I found it very therapeutic to express my feelings like I was. It was helping me a lot and I continued to write my thoughts on what had happened over the last couple of days. There was so much going on and also much for me to contemplate on the circle of life. Since this was for a friend I've edited some things out that was personal to them, but left most of it just as I had written it. I did expand some of it too since I have the space to do it and am not trying to keep it to a certain length. I doubt if my friend will see this blog post but if they do I hope they do read one version of it, like I said I may not mail the other one anyway.
Dear
I hope you had
a better week than I had. In fact it’s
been a pretty awful week, one of my worst ever. On Wednesday I had an appointment
with the vet for my dog Buddy. At bed time the night before he had collapsed and couldn't get up. In the morning he had an accident in his bed and was greatly distressed over it. He never soils his bed and I knew something was terribly wrong with him. The vet said Buddy (who
was about 17-18 yrs old, we had gotten him fully grown) had pancreatic cancer and was
severely anemic. I thought I was going
to have put him down right then and there but the vet said he doesn’t appear to
be in pain, I don’t think it’s his time yet.
Take him home and make him as comfortable as possible and when its time
you’ll know because you are so in tune with your pets- but don’t expect him to
live very long – he’ll probably be gone in a month. So that’s what I did I took
him home and loved on him.
On Thursday, it
started out as a routine day. My other
dog KC (16 yrs old) was fidgety like she gets when the weather gets bad. She was breathing a little heavy but I didn’t
think much of it. She’s had problems
like that before and that was nothing unusual for her. In fact 3 years ago she was diagnosed with
congestive heart failure. At the time we
were told she could go at any time due to a heart attack and probably wouldn’t
make it a week, let alone a month. She
wasn’t in pain and so the vet didn’t think we should do anything but take her
home and make her comfortable. And
that’s what we did and she just kept on going and going and going. She wouldn’t take her medicines and everyone
was surprise she just kept on hanging in there as long as she has.
Well on Thursday I was working on the computer and she just was just
hanging out in her bed like she usually does and I thought nothing of it. Buddy was in a bed next to the computer/ desk
area and she was in her’s about 10 feet away next to my reading chair - both of
them resting peacefully. It was about 2
o’clock in the afternoon and I knew I had to leave to get my son from school at
2:20. I got up to start going and
realized she was gone. She died the way
you would want most pets to go, peacefully in her sleep. She didn’t yelp out or anything – and I
didn’t even know it happened until I got up and saw the poop in the bed and
then looked at her face and realized she was gone. I called the vet and they said they could
cremate her.
I didn’t know what
to do – I wanted my family’s advice. My husband was out of town on a business
/fishing trip and I didn’t want to ruin it for him. My oldest was at friends helping them out so
that left the youngest. I picked him up from school and took him to football
practice. It was so weird. My youngest normally carpools with two other
boys. One boy went home sick and the
other arranged to go home with his aunt not realizing that I was coming to get
them so it ended up being just my youngest son and I in the car when I told
him. I couldn’t have planned better than
that (Coincident??). He did not want to
see her and thought that cremation would be best. I was so proud of him for being so mature
about it. He had grown up with this dog
his whole life. For 3 years we knew it
could happen at any time but yet now that it has it was such a shock to loose
her. He shed some tears but still wanted to go to practice. He didn’t want to let his teammates
down.
I went home and
took her body to the vet. I was so
relieved to be doing something and to get her out of the house. I really didn’t want to have to look at her
body while waiting for them all to come home. I couldn't believe she was gone.
In our family
it’s been a tradition on Thursday night to get pizza for dinner. It all started when the kid’s school used to
have once a month fund raiser at this one pizza place on Thursday nights. Then when the older boys had soccer and
piano lessons on Thursday there was no time to cook and they usually wanted
pizza anyway. I would call and order
ahead and pick it up on our way home from piano- it couldn’t get anymore
convenient than that.
Well on this night
the boys asked if they could have pizza for dinner since we hadn’t had it in a
long while and my husband was out of town. So I was like sure why not? I called it
in and got our traditional order – one meat lovers and one with just plan
cheese (for me). I got it after my
youngest football practice. When I picked it up, the order was right on the
order slip and the order slip was correct so I did not check them assuming it was right. Well this time they goofed which is so rare
for this establishment – they very rarely screw the orders up and that is why
people like them so much. My cheese had
pepperoni on it. (Now, I’m sure you are wondering why I’m writing you about
this? Please just read on and please read it all.)
That night Buddy, the dog with cancer
wouldn’t eat anything except the pill pocket that had some medicine for him in
it.
The next morning,
Friday, I had to take my youngest to school.
While I was gone Buddy started to vomit and get sick. I got home and saw it and cleaned it up. I then sat at my desk and Buddy went to the
bed that was right next to it and was lying there listlessly. I paid some bills and had some letters to
send so I went to the post office which is at the end of our street. When I got back Buddy had gotten sick
again. I tried to give him some pain
medicine but he wouldn’t take it. I
picked him up and then sat for hours in the reading chair with him. I could tell he wasn’t doing well. My oldest son came home and we talked about
taking him to the vet. He said lets wait
until my youngest gets home so he can say goodbye and see how he’s doing – he does not
seem to be in pain right now so it might be he’s upset about loosing KC.
I got up and did
some laundry. When it came time to put
the load in the dryer around noon, I decided to get a piece of that leftover
pepperoni pizza. I took it to the chair
and started to eat it. Buddy perked up
and wanted some. Buddy has always loved
pepperoni and has always gotten mine from my pizzas that had it on it. He expected and wanted it (Coincident?? – It
should have been just plain cheese and in that case he wouldn’t have gotten
anything. ) So I gave him a couple of pieces of very thin pepperoni. He ate it like he always did. I took this as a
very positive sign. I then gave him the
pill pocket with his medicine and he took it too. I was pleased by this since earlier he wouldn't. I waited awhile and he didn't vomit again - things were going well.
We both settled
back into the reading chair and ended up taking a nap together – The night
before I hardly slept at all because of my grieving over KC. About 3 my youngest did not come home and I
remembered he had a football game to go to with his friends and one of the
other carpool moms was suppose to take them there since I knew my husband was going to be out of town and I might have accompanied him. I was relieved I didn't have to leave Buddy. I started to read and Buddy just slept, but a
half hour later he got up and just started howling in pain. He vomited again. And started to howl some more. My oldest came running to see what was
happening. We both decided it was time
and called the vet.
That was the
hardest thing I had ever had to do. I’ve
only put down one other pet before and that was for a safety issues- when my second son was born the dog bit my dad, I couldn't have a biting dog in the house with two small children- the dog had to go, he was also old and had health issues too and it was obvious he was not feeling well when he bit my dad. It was his time because he would not have adjusted well anywhere else so for him it was a no-brainier to put him away. This one was so different since it was a
voluntary option. It was so hard to make
that call. But I couldn’t see Buddy in
pain like that. I knew I was being selfish if I kept him the weekend. The vet leaves at 4 and
if we were going to do it, it had to be then because otherwise we would have
had to wait the whole weekend. I
couldn’t see going though his howling all weekend long. Quite frankly I didn’t think he would have
made it through the night because he was so listless all day long. It only seems fitting that Buddy and KC
should be back together again.
And that got me
thinking about life and the circle of life during the night. Buddy died on my great nieces 2nd
birthday. I will always remember this day because for the last two years its been such a special day for me.
The next day my husband and I were literally talking about
a friend and about giving her tickets to a La Tech game for that day when she called. (Coincident?) She could tell I had been
crying and she said oh you heard about our friend James passing away. I couldn’t believe James was gone- he died
Friday too. (He was 40 and has two children – his son (15) is a year older
than my youngest and they have done a lot together. He was in my confirmation class. His daughter is about 11 and I had taught her
too in Sunday school. ) I told my friend
about Buddy dying and she was shocked over that news because she had already
heard about KC going. She couldn't believe they were both gone now.
We both talked
about our friend James and how a month ago he didn’t even know he had
cancer. He had been told he had
pneumonia and bronchitis but then he kept loosing weight and when his voice got
raspy people convinced him to get a second opinion. He had cancer of the throat. What really got to me was his son was the
same age I was when my dad got cancer of the throat – 15. My dad lived 28 years after that but did
eventually die from it. I was hoping he
would have the same course and live a long while too. Oh it’s so
hard to believe he’s gone. It brought
back so many memories of my dad and what I went through when I was in high
school and then later when he actually did die from it.
All I wanted to do
is to eat comfort food but I tried to avoid most of it since it’s not good for
me since I have type II diabetes and control it by diet and exercise.
Nothing I wanted more than a piece of cake with ice-cream and lots of
lots of chocolate. Also I wanted to
drown my sorrows in alcohol another no no for diabetics.
Friday night my
family started to get hungry but I wasn’t up to cooking. We had planned on a shrimp boil from when my
husband came back from his fishing trip.
I just wasn’t up to it so the comfort food they got was Popeye’s Chicken
another thing that is not so great from me but better than the others especially if I pull off the fried skin. There was a frozen daiquiri place right next
door to the chicken and without asking my husband got me a fuzzy peach navel
something or other. There’s nothing like
comfort food items when you are down like that. I had never noticed the
daiquiri place before since we hardly ever drink. I could believe my needs were being taken
care of without me even having to tell them what I wanted. For one night I thought it would be okay to
splurge and did so. Everything tasted so good and really hit the spot.
So that’s been my
week.
I’ve done a lot of
thinking about life and God. I went to
early church and the sermon was about how God can give us multiple grief’s at a
time but he is there with us. I felt
like it was written just for me (Coincident?) If you give your grief over to him, he will give you peace. I could feel peace settling on me as I simply said a prayer to lift this grief.
And another thing
happened that got me thinking about everything.
On Saturday we needed to go to the grocery store to get a few
items. My husband decided to go since I
didn’t feel up to it but I forgot to put eggs on the list since my mind had
been on other things. My oldest son is
on a special diet and eats eggs everyday now.
We had enough to last a day or two but would need them soon. I didn’t want to go to the store just for
that one item and decided to wait until they ran out. We got to church and one of our friends lives
out in the country came in with a whole bunch of free range eggs. He came up to me and wanted to make sure I
got some. Some chickens have decided
to take up residence on his porch and he has more eggs than what he can deal
with now so when he has more than he can eat he gives them away to people,
today he just happened to bring them to church and offered them to me (Coincident? How often has someone just come up to you and
handed you 2 dozen eggs when you needed them without you asking for them? I've only had something like that happen to me once before by the same person but other than that things like that just do not happen to me. Have you had someone give you two dozen eggs for no reason - probably not because things like that just don't happen to most people? It just blew me away when he gave
them to me wanting me to have them, especially when I just needed one but to get two instead. I really felt like I was being provided
for. I was so touched I was speechless.)
Another tradition
for my family is we try to eat Sunday dinner together. I just did not feel up to cooking so we ended
going out. They messed up my son’s
order and it did not come out with the other food. We had to wait a real long time for it. The manager came over and apologized and gave
us a free desert. This was the most decadent food imaginable, a chocolate brownie
with mousse imbetween and whipped cream on top, drizzled with a chocolate fudge
sauce over all of it. I felt like my
wish for comfort food was granted. All I
needed was a bite or two of it and I was satisfied. That was all each of us
wanted and the piece they brought out was just the right size. In fact the waitress said to us that this is
just the right amount for four people.
If two eat it they go feeling like pigs and it’s a very rare person who
can eat all of it by themselves but for 4 you each get a bite and can be
satisfied. And she was right. This
was something we definitely would not have gotten on our own- we couldn’t even
eat all of our meals and had to get doggie bags to go. The only time we would order something like
that is if we were out celebrating a birthday or some very special celebration
– yet here we didn’t even order it – it was brought to us- how amazing was that
– That manager had no way of knowing that was exactly what my family needed at
that time. We all had been commiserating
about the dogs and we needed comforting like that. (Another Coincident? – I think not.)
I see these things and feel like something or someone is
looking out for me and is trying to comfort me. I feel the presence
of loved ones caring for me. I have a deep sense of
when I die it is not the end but only the transformation to another state. I do not feel like when something dies that
is it – the end! -- they or it no longer exists, poof they are finish and are gone - there's nothing more. I feel their (pun intended) is a spirit that is left
behind. By feeling these ways then I
have admitted to myself that there has to be a higher power that controls
things. Because I feel so strongly this
way and have since my grandmother has died I can not say there is no God. I can not be an atheist. This is what makes me believe in God so strongly because I
do believe in an afterlife. I believe someday I will be with some of my love
ones again that have already died.
Another way to look at things is I recently saw a video where a simple question was asked of
scientist and geologist who believe in evolution and considered themselves atheists. In their lifetime can they show one example
of a new species evolving from another species – no one could. Most of them used Darwin’s finches as an example but as was
pointed out to them a new species did not evolve in recorded history - they were still the same species. They just have to believe that in time a new
species will evolved which is a reasonable belief. They have to have faith to believe that the
scientists are right in their theories that eventually a new species will
evolve. So then the question was asked them if they have to believe that why
can’t they believe in a supreme being that made everything? Sooner or later belief comes into play with
living things and how they got here. Do they really believe everything on earth
came about by shear coincidence or is there a divine force guiding things? Do they ever see patterns repeating
themselves like the way atoms are and the way the solar system is? Do you really think those similar shapes are
just shear coincident? If you have to
believe in something why didn’t they believe in God yet they could believe
what other people tell them?
Some of them said its because you can't prove God exists- there is no evidence for his existence. So then the person asked 'Do you believe in love?' They all said yes of course - then guy said then how do you know it exists? They said because its something you feel. The guy said but I don't feel it - show me how it exists since its all within you and your consciences but not mine. There is no evidence for your conscience - its not like you can prove it exist either. Prove to me the physical evidences for it - That was something that got most people to stop talking.
And then finally I think of things this way and I think its
Pascal’s idea but I could be wrong for this since I’ve seen it a number of
times presented different ways but always similar.:
If there is no God and yet I believe in him
and I die its no big deal that I did believe in him- no harm done. It just made
me a better person.
Now if I did not
believe in God yet there is a God and I die that is a big deal because I have
rejected him and he will reject me to for all of eternity. Do I want to want to go through all of eternity without him and his love? Probably not.
Now if I do believe and God does exist - won't that be the best situation since that way I get to spend eternity with him. Besides what harm does it do me to believe while I am alive. It’s better to believe and be accepted than
to be rejected because nothing is worse than the feeling of loneliness - it can
eat you up inside and has me when I’ve been on my own and thought no one
cared. So if it’s better for me to
believe then I might as well go on and believe even though it’s not very
scientific to believe.
Again the
loneliness is such a powerful feeling and can be such a devastating one, and as
long as I feel there is a God then I know I’m not alone and none of this really
matters.
Finally I just
felt like I had to get this off my mind. I only write things because I do care about
you.
I've just had to many coincidental things happening to me to think this is all random. There is one last coincidence I want to mention. I wanted to host the Accretionary Wedge and had contacted the person in charge but have yet to hear back from them. I wanted it to be in the Summer so we could do Keepsake geology of one of our favorite places to visit. I also want December for Geo-ornaments.
I didn't get the summer one - but Evelyn at Geoneys got to do two. One of them was about seeing geology everywhere. I decided to do sidewalk geology. While I was walking Buddy I was taking pictures. We got to a spot and he just stopped and was like Mom how about here? I thought he was so cute I took his picture. As far as I can tell that is the last picture I ever took of him. I know why I wasn't suppose to host in the summer because if I did I would not have gotten one of the better pictures I have of him. Things do seem to work out for a reason.
(addendum: I took the photo on my cell phone, and because it was there I've been able to use it as a screen saver for my phone. If I had it on my camera I never would have been able to do that. I just wished I had one of the two of them together on my phone but I don't - Its so hard to have to choose which one to use and I'll probably be alternating them because KC's was also on my phone. In fact I had just recently gotten the phone and was trying to figure out how to use the camera and that was why her picture got taken. It was more for learning the phone than it was me trying to get her photo.)
For anyone reading this here is the link to other blog posts on KC & Buddy here- when I first almost lost her
http://rockhoundingaround.blogspot.com/2011/03/kc.html, here 1year later
http://rockhoundingaround.blogspot.com/2012/02/buddy-and-kc-almost-year-later.html . These have some better photo's of them.
Now onto some of the last photo's I ever took of these dogs. I know some of them are not in the best of focus but I never expected them to be the last I had of them. They were taken over the last 9 months.
KC - half dachshund and half chihuahua - her last photo's
KC
 |
| KC's last photo 2-14- 2013 |
 |
| KC - the first day I got her and her first photo Sept 19, 1997 |
Buddy always wanting to go for a walk. June 14 2013 the last photo's of him.
Buddy in his bed. Buddy was as the vet put it a pug mutt. You could tell he had pug in him and a few other things.
Buddy in the reading chair with me.
 |
| Christmas 2012 |
 |
| Buddy's first photo (3-6-1998) |
KC and Buddy in the reading chair without me. This was their favorite place and how they usually were together. I think this is the last one I got of them together.
 |
| Two best friends forever- Buddy & KC 2-16-2013 |
And finally this picture was one of my favorites of them together. Its sat on my desk for many a year. My dogs were not allowed on my bed by themselves. One day I went into the room and caught them up on my bed. They had jumped on the bed all by themselves. KC knew she did wrong yet she stayed on the bed while Buddy was trying to act like everything was Okay and wouldn't leave her. I laughed so hard when I saw them I just had to get a picture of it.
I will miss them so much. I've had a dog in my house for the last 29 years and I can't believe I am now dogless.
Goodbye my friends I did love you and we had a lot of good times together.
Addendum 9-18-13: my sister sent me the nicest poem called "At Rainbow Bridge" I did a post on it
http://rockhoundingaround.blogspot.com/2013/09/rainbow-bridge-poem-for-pet-loss-my.html So now I want to say Goodbye my friends till we meet again.
Postscript: About the eggs. The man that gave me the eggs had recently lost his home in a tornado. He had been taking care of the neighbors chickens when it happened. The neighbors came back but the chickens decided they rather be with him and took up residence on his new porch. I do feel like he was being provided for too.
I just came across a couple pictures of Buddy I want to share. Its his way of helping me do the laundry. Sitting on the dirty stuff so I can see it.
Now I wonder if I shouldn't use the last photo of Buddy on the leash as my Gallivanting Rockhound image? - any ideas about that?
I just came across this picture that was on my camera - when the card gets full it rolls over to the camera and I had some stuff I didn't know was there. I'm glad I found it because its good of both of them. It was about a year ago.
Nov. 1, 2013
On November 1, I was always taught it was ''All Saints/ All Souls Day" and I should pray for those who have passed away especially the people who had departed this year. So that was what I was doing on that day. But I just couldn't keep it to just the ones that had passed this year I also had to include my dad, grandparents and my older brother. As I was seriously praying for my old brother letting him know how much I missed him even though I knew he was in a better place and such. All I know he was all that was on my mind until I got a phone call. Guess who it was? It was his widow. We didn't even have to talk about him but he was on both of our minds. We had a great visit and was on the phone for about an hour - coincident? I think not. God was letting me know he was hearing my prayers.
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